I'm supposed to call Kristen back today for the passes I went and got for the team.. but I had a long hard realization last night over it all. And you know, maybe things went to fast and I never saw it as it was. She really doesn't care about me, well maybe some, but not much. I'm not important in her life, so why should I do her favor after favor? I totally care about her, but last time this happened it all blew up in my face and I'm not dealing with tragedy recoverery. So that's my thought on it right now, I really don't have time for friends, nor do I want to make time for them so that's that.

So what did I learn in the past year? Some crap in school that I'll never remember 3 years from now, people don't always act like they should, when you are 17 you really don't need a "bestbud" friends to chill with are enough to handle, I learned minidisc are gods gift to those who love alot of music, take tons and tons of pictures and any major event of your life, it's well worth it. Keep a journal, funny how you seem to change daily when you reread entries. Cars are very useful, to get away, to spend your money on, and to spend hours and hours cleaning and loving it. I guess I learned alot more then that, but it's 10:44 in the am and I have alot to do.

So future plans for this coming year... get the storm, keep honor roll, sleep alot, work alot and leave for Savannah. Good plans huh?
Finally thank you to everyone/everything that I encountered this year, my folks and fam, varsity softball team last season, class of 01, Mariel, Trisha and co from MICA, class of 02! etc etc. Thanks everyone.
Posted by: Arleigh at 10:48 AM

Work was uhh fun. Not really, I finally got the whole setup for my camera in working order, so that's what I'll be doing tonight, playing with the camera :o) I should of bought more film.. but hey it's all good right.
I still haven't decided on new years eve plans, I guess it depends on if I have the car or not. LONG STORY! I'm still thinking of just walking around downtown taking pix of half drunk people. I think it will be quite entertaining... You know I can't wait till I can talk about anythign I really want on here, and my mom can't say really anythign. Until I move out I guess I really can't do that one huh?

Ohwell going to find somethign to do.

Posted by: Arleigh at 9:00 PM

I never said you were boring, I said you didn't talk about anything worth commenting on. Totally different thing kid :o) ANYWAYS, I worked today from 3-11:30, well not exactly 11:30 we got to leave early! Tomorrow I work at 10, hopefully I can get up that early. LoL sorry, I don't do well with early morning happenings on the weekends. Sunday I work, monday i work, then tues- thurs I'm off. I think I might go to Kristens game that tuesday.. but who knwos depends on my mood I guess.
I still haven't figured out what I want to do for new years, I was thinking about that party in Brandywine, but I wanna go take sweet pix, and I'm not taking my camera that I've waited for forever to that place. I'm thinking of doing the boring First Night thing, atleast I will get some nice shots out of it..Who knows, I might do the whole "me" thing and go down to the water with Triton and play with my camera, there's this shot at my "spot" that I've been waiting to take forever.
I've bee nthinking of applying to SCAD for fall 2002 instead of 03, I just want out of this place and with out the worries of it all. Ya know?

Posted by: Arleigh at 11:57 PM

Oh this came in my inbox this morning *What we are on the inside, what we continually think about, eventually shows
in our words, actions, and even our countenances.* -- Linda Dillow
I guess that is very true, I can't give an exact example, but trust me it's true. Anyways it's like 9 oclock, and I haven't opened gifts yet.. I'm not sure if i'm hoping mine here or at Ashland, I vote for here. It's quicker and easier.
Posted by: Arleigh at 8:50 AM

Well whats happened since I last wrote, we went and saw oceans 11- one movie down! We went to the Ashland mall, which was extremely packed and extremely boring. My brothers are being asses, yesterday we went and picked them up and they looked like we were killing them by taking them out of their house. How boring right?
Anyways we are going to help the grandfolks move/pack, but i'll end up playing with Austin the whole time.
::one love::
and no, kristen has been wickedly busy to do anything- but hey it IS her last christmas really home home so I really can't bug her right?
Posted by: Arleigh at 12:12 PM

Well whats happened since I last wrote, we went and saw oceans 11- one movie down! We went to the Ashland mall, which was extremely packed and extremely boring. My brothers are being asses, yesterday we went and picked them up and they looked like we were killing them by taking them out of their house. How boring right?
Anyways we are going to help the grandfolks move/pack, but i'll end up playing with Austin the whole time.
::one love::
and no, kristen has been wickedly busy to do anything- but hey it IS her last christmas really home home so I really can't bug her right?
Posted by: Arleigh at 12:12 PM

Long awaited (kinda late) xmas list:

N65 Nikon Camera
100-300 mm Lense
film
Uniball Fine pens
MONEY
Starbucks Card
Blank Mini Disc
AA Batteries
Whatever else floats your boat

Analyzing Lyrics from my journal:
::Match Box 20::
1. no I would not sleep in this bed of lies
- pretty much saying I wouldn't sleep with a person that lies
2. I don't think I could take another empty moment, I don't think I can fake another hollow smile
- I know I do it, I feel like crap yet I force a fake smile on, which kilsl me even more.
3. Just like me you got needs
- everyone has needs, and sometimes you put them on the back burner for others.
4. I think I already lost you, I think you are already gone
- everyone has been in a relationship that it's near the end, but not exactly over, yet you know it will be soon enough.
5. You think I'm weak, I think you're wrong
- i hate people that judge me with out having a freaking clue
6. I think I'm scared, I think too much
-if you know me, you know i usually think too much, though lately I've had no time to think at all.
7. You don't know me now, somehow I thought you should.
-one large example of this is Amber, I thought we would always know each other inside and out, yet we talk now and have to explain everything
8. I feel stupid, but I think I'm catching on
9.While you were sleeping, I was listening to the radio and wondering what you were dreaming- when it came to mind that I didn't even care.
-have you ever been in a relationship where you find out you really don't care about that person like you thought?

Posted by: Arleigh at 10:46 AM

well my dog decided to crap all over the house, not cool at all. I have driving time at 5. Which is an hour and 15 minsfrom now. I'm cleaning up my desk, cuz it's a freaking mess. Tonight I get home from driving and then I gotta read wuthering heights. or find cliff notes on it :o)
Posted by: Arleigh at 3:50 PM

one love::
Posted by: Arleigh at 11:06 AM

by the way thanks for the advice ar.. .....later
Posted by: Annie at 8:13 PM

p.s: Annie, just keep your head above the water.. that's all you can do in those times.
Posted by: Arleigh at 8:51 AM

Nothing really happened this weekend, I worked, slept and worked. Fun stuff right?? But I keep sayingto myself.. CAMERA!!
Posted by: Arleigh at 2:18 PM

Ar
Posted by: Arleigh at 10:44 AM

Well class was boring as usual lol. I've been analyzing songs, if you couldn't tell in past blogs. so here we go.

"Fulfillment of their lack of strength at your expense- left you with no defense. They tore it down. I have felt the same."
This would be about those people that try and crush you to build themselves up. It sux we all know this. And yet sometimes we are those people, using other people as stepping stones for our ego.

"You lost yourself in the search to find, someting else to hide behind."
I'm victim of this as we speak. I'm never content on who I am. Always want to find that perfect friend, or perfect love, or something better. Maybe it's somethign to hide behind as the lyrics say. But I knwo somehow I'm giong to lose who I really am while searching for something that I'm not.

Posted by: Arleigh at 10:04 PM

Well I have about an hour and a half till I have to be at class and I still haven't taken that nap.. hmm Ohwell. I'll take my homework along and do it, so I can get some sleep for once tonight. Either that or this weekend I sleep till an hour before work :o) I hope they didn't schedule me for gay hours this week coming up.. I do have class people!! Ohwell, school was pretty lax today, I'm hoping it will be tomorrrow as well. Life would be very good if my week was completed by a good friday.
Posted by: Arleigh at 4:45 PM

Hero- Mariah Carey
There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

That is mainly on my mind because I'm realizing everything in life is not emotions like I thought, or finding that special someone. You have to live for yourself and no one else. So that hero inside yourself is what i get outta it.

Second song Somewhere in Between- Lifehouse

I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't
And now I can not stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I'll have all this sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head but underneath my feet
Cuz by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cuz I'm wating for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cuz I'm wating for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream

Mainly this song is in my head because I feel like I am stuck somewhere in the middle.. somewhere between. At times life seems like a dream, and then at times it seems too real. Today something so huge, yet so little happened. I talked to Joy Eskuchen for the first time since I quit softball. It was mostly all small talk- no it was all small talk- but its good to know that I don't have that on my heart anymore. That someone is so disappointed in me that they no longer want to speak to me. Sure I knwo that the chances of us trusting one another ever again is horrible. But being able to say that I no longer don't get along, or don't talk is a good feeling.
Nothing else happened today, I did yet another last minute color guard for ms. deafenbaugh. Fun stuff.. or not :o) Took a test on Macbeth that I failed misaberably at. Yeh I can't spell. Had a staff meeting which was the normal boring self. I have class in about an hour, so I'm going to go take a nap or work on cleaning up my other room. Oh my moms birthdays in...five days, just incase someone wants to get her something :o)

Really quickly, off what annie said about the whole trust thing. I think everyone has issues trusting, but with somepeople those issues just disappear for the time being. I know she trust me with almost anything if I asked, and the same way with Kristen, everything fits right I guess. I believe it's fine to feel scared about trusting, and not wanting to be let down. How many people say hey I want my heart ripped out and ate for dinner by the dog. I personally can't name anyone. My advice for all, including myself have fun, live, and do your best for no one but yourself. In the long run it doesn't matter how many people you impressed or anything. What matters is how happy you are. Plain and simple..
-one love
Posted by: Arleigh at 4:57 PM

I had my interview for pao, retarded crap. Umm.. Kristen emailed me- I knwo it's a shock, we always talk on AIM ;o) Umm nothing else happened, I took danielle home and that was that. And now I'm going to eat/nap
Posted by: Arleigh at 4:52 PM

Random parts of lyrics from the Callings CD.
"I've given you everything I can and you show no faith in me"
I guess this is aimed at a few people, but I won't name many names. Everyone knows me with friendships I give everything I possibly can- emotionally and physically (as in money). I still haven't found someone to do that in return, but that's beside the point. Instead I don't get why after all I do, going abvoe and beyond if I make one mistake or they do, it all comes crashing down. When your good friends you will have your share of fights and mistakes. I always thought you took it in stride and dealt with it. Not totally shut down. I've had so many people lately do something like that. Once w/ Erin the mistake was my fault but w/ everyone else they were either a.)jealous or b.) never were true to being with. So what i'm looking for is that true friend. Doesn't seem like much to ask for, but damn is it.

"You left me with goodbye and open arms.. you were always invincible in my eyes."
This would be towards Amber. She was (is) a good friend, even though she tried to hide her faults; I knew they were there and it made her that much more important in my life. How someone could give a person love and a great friendship and then up and just stop, is a mystery to me. I know she cares all the way in Japan but if only she would let me know every once in awhile.

Posted by: Arleigh at 11:06 AM

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
> HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
> IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

> I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
> WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
> AND TO SEE JUST WHO
> IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
>
> I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
> A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
> NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
> NOT EVEN A TREE.
>
> NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
> JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND
> ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
> OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
>
> WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
> AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
> A SOBER THOUGHT
> CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
>
> FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
> IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
> I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
> ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
>
> THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
> SILENT, ALONE,
> CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
> IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
>
> THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
> THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
> NOT HOW I PICTURED
> A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
>
> WAS THIS THE HERO
> OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
> CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
> THE FLOOR FOR A BED
>
> I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
> THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
> OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
> WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
>
> SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
> THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
> AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
> A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
>
> THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
> EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
> BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
> LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
>
> I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
> HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
> ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
> IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
>
> THE VERY THOUGHT
> BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
> I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
> AND STARTED TO CRY.
>
> THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
> AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
> THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
>
> I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
> I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
> MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
> MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
>
> THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
> AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
> I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
> I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
>
> I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
> SO SILENT AND STILL
> AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
> FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
>
> I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
> ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
> THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
> SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
>
> THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
> WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
> WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
> IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
>
> ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
> AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
> "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
> AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
>
> "This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan. The
> following is his request. I think it is reasonable..... PLEASE. Would you
> do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can?
> Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. service
> men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's
> try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make
> people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed
> themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed."

By Sarah of course

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Posted by: Arleigh at 10:04 PM

ohwell my backs all messed up they think I have a pinched nerve so I gotta go to the docs tomorrow.
I really don't have anythign to talk about. I hung out with danielle and sean all afternoon looking at cameras and driving to spark for taco bell. Don't ask me why!! Ohwell I'm going to go look at Nikons online!!
-one love
Posted by: Arleigh at 5:13 PM

ohwell I'm going to go change the template if I find one I like
-one love
Posted by: Arleigh at 11:07 AM